The Job #Winning Tao of Charlie Sheen

Written By Monica Page


A celebrity meltdown is one of the most demented celebrations our culture is known for. From Britney Spears to Mariah Carey, the general public develops a sort of collective sense of enlightenment when they discover that these worshiped celebrities are just as mentally screwed up as they are. At the top of the “mentally screwed up” pyramid is the 2011 poster child for crazy, Charlie Sheen. Beneath all the television interviews and Twitter rants, it is possible to find some sort of wisdom underneath the quotes. For example, can someone actually use spewed off Sheen nonsense to be productive in ways that do not involve becoming part of Twitter’s trending topics? Can someone actually use Sheen quotes to, let’s say, find a job? Let’s find out.

“I got magic and I got poetry at my fingertips.”

The first part of a successful job hunt is to develop a resume. Your resume needs to be a one-page reflection of who you are and the accomplishments you have achieved thus far. Without meeting you in person, the employer needs to have a quick overview of who you are and what you bring to the table. No one wants to read a poorly formatted demonstration of what you did not do in college. No, you need to get your act together and dazzle the employer before they even meet you. Use all those AP English skills you were supposed to acquire in high school and create the resume version of The Merchant of Venice. Become the Shakespeare of job-hunting documents.

“I don’t sleep. I wait.”

Once you submit your resume to the employer, don’t slack off. Employers are human and can easily throw your resume on a random pile on their desk, never to be seen again. If you don’t hear back a couple of weeks after submitting your resume, send an e-mail or call the company to follow-up and make sure they received your material. At times, they may have never received it, other times, they may have just forgotten. This does not mean to call at 4 a.m. sounding like a drunken –ex wondering why your calls haven’t been returned.

“I’m bi-winning. I win here and I win there.”

There is no guarantee that you are going to get your dream position. Just because you may look perfect for the position in question, it is all up to the employer whether they want you or not. The best bet is to apply to as many positions as possible, increasing your chances of eventually getting something. If you apply to only one position and you don’t get it, your luck is running dry. For those who apply to multiple positions, there is a greater chance of eventually getting at least something rather than putting all your hopes and dreams into one thing and having the world crumble down around you like a melodramatic teen drama. Apply to as many positions as possible, so when the time arises you can choose where you want to go instead of being at the mercy of ignorance.

“I got tiger’s blood. I expose people to my magic.”

When the time comes to go in for an interview, you need to dazzle the employer. Your interview will show the employer your personality and in-person interactions. Many people can write a resume to make themselves look like the best thing in the world, but it is only when you meet face-to-face that your true personality and interactions come out. The idea is not to regurgitate your resume nor speak of events and accomplishments that aren’t even in progress. Be yourself so that if you get the job, the employer is prepared for “you” and not your self-confidence boosting alter ego.

“I don’t believe in rock bottom. Rock bottom is like a fishing term.”

Let’s enter the hypothetical situation where you don’t get the job of your dreams. Nor the other ten you applied to. Nor the last Reese’s at Publix. It’s not the end of the world. Sometimes people become over confident and apply to positions that are way out of their league. This is not to say that you should only apply for positions in which you are over-qualified for, because then you aren’t challenging yourself. Balance your applications so you have a cushion. On one half you have your dream jobs that you have to work hard to achieve; on the other you have the positions in which you have a small sense of “over-qualification,” just so you have a back up.

“Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words. Imagine what I could have done with my fire-breathing fists… They picked a fight with a warlock.”

You’re awesome. You aced your interview and got the job of your dreams. Now that you’re employed, don’t screw it up. Don’t get comfortable and slack off before you have even proven yourself. The idea is that, although the employer obviously likes you and has taken the time to take a chance on you, you need to over perform to their expectations. They like you now, but the goal is to make them love you. You want them to wonder how they ever survived without you. You want to become a necessity instead of a placeholder.

“#WINNING!”

Everyone doesn’t send out a resume and get a job on the first try. Some people have to work for it more than others. Just because you don’t get your dream job on the first try doesn’t mean you’ll never get it. Taking a detour to your career may actually be beneficial in the long run. Some people aren’t ready to dive into the career they thought they wanted, while others are prepared from birth. The goal is to go with the flow and just work on advancing little by little until you finally get to the perfect position.